Time off and time on

I recently found myself in a time off zone.  I am in between projects and such with no clue what the future is going to bring.  The first day in this time zone, I was upset.  Yes, upset.  After most of my life working and working and working with few and far between vacations, I didn't know how to do this thing called "time off."  What do I do with myself?

I realized I have a slight problem.  I have been working for others for so long, I barely know how to do anything for myself anymore.  Plus, I do admit my ego has been bruised.  Something I wanted for a while did not turn out, and I have nothing to fill this void with.  I have been preparing to shift to a new future, but I didn't realize that the time in between this shift would open up something I have been avoiding for so long - doing things for myself.

The way I was raised probably has something to do with it.  I felt validated as a person when I accomplished things and usually when I did things for others.  My lifestyle mainly turned into working to make money and to helping others.  Most of the money was spent on surviving.

I'm in a different place now, a place I have never been.  I have the support to take some much needed time off.  I have to shirk off all the "oh wouldn't that be nice, you are so lucky," comments.  They have been making me feel guilty.  None of these people know how hard I have worked my entire life without time off.  I understand that some people never get this opportunity.  What would they do if they had it?  They would probably embrace it for all its worth.

I have decided to use this time to recharge, to workout, to explore new opportunities, to reconnect with myself and people in general, to have some fun.  Wow, allow myself to have some fun just because.  There's a new concept.  I mainly had fun and did things to reward myself for hard work.  Now to have fun just because?  It is very foreign to me, and I need to rediscover that I deserve this even if I am taking time off.

Yes, I'm a little in need of catching up to the reality that we are here and because we are here, we are automatically worth good things.  This lesson was not handed to me on a silver platter so instead, I will need to learn it the hard way - by forcing myself to take the time off.  In the past, I have filled this void time with other work.  Today, let's see if I can finally let myself go blank so I can rediscover the possibilities for myself and the future.

Today I'm starting a twice a day work out program.  This morning I did the 43 min. Cardio Party I from Turbo Jam and will probably do some Nordic Track as I watch mindless television tonight.  I am also looking into a volunteer opportunity I have put off for years.

Maybe this "time off" will not be so bad and will turn into "time on" well spent!

SDF :O)